Thursday, May 26, 2011
Certain Dri Makes Antiperspirants Hip Again
In an era when DVR is king, it's hard to really describe just how awful some commercial are. Either you don't watch that much television, you aren't in the market that plays these kind of ads all the time, or you skip over it all, never reveling in the greatness that is the Certain Dri awkward, sweaty dinner party first encounter.
First, what clueless woman just announces how sweaty she is to a stranger she's probably talking to only because she thinks is cute or believes in first impressions bullshit? A blonde who probably smells like protein laden Tex-Mex and has a warped sense of humor. Where was the cackling laugh to offset her overcompensation?
Then, when Glasses McSlickback informs her of the groundbreaking solid known as Certain Dri, she has the gall to ask with perfect head tilt doe eyes, "the antiperspirant?!?" F$# the heck?!? You just broached the topic of unwanted sweat not a second ago! No, Certain Dri the heroin. That should free base you long enough to shut up about your stinky parts and not be so vane.
For the mind numbing hat trick, the guy mentions that it's "doctor recommended" and the blonde suddenly needs Certain Dri for more than up top. "DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE A DOCTOR!!! OMFG!" Of course he responds in spades leading to an arm massage and a "very cool," complete with eyes now set to "do me in your 2001 Accord."
You know what else is "doctor recommended," Missy? Vitamins. Apples. Not eating french fries covered in cheese and brown gravy. Soap. The guy didn't even get to drop his pick up line by the time you wrecked the space and time continuum of casual conversation and logic by assuming profession based off a Pavlovian word.
True story: he raped and killed her not half an hour later in his van. "Certain Dri: Impress the ladies!"