header pic

TPF Shorts 4.20.2013........The Playing Field Blog making a comeback? Soon enough...

Thursday, May 05, 2011

2011 Maxim Hot 100 Review

I guess Maxim's compiled list of attractive people is the Wrestlemania of hot chick blogging, so I take notice. I gave a rundown of last year's installment and looking back, I undervalued some sleepers while shaking my head over recent Dime slumps. Once again, this is by no means a glorification of their "work", as I don't subscribe to Maxim (neither in the business nor proverbial sense), but more of a critical look into the staff picks. Here is Maxim's official 2011 list, so follow along.
#15, like Timmy Tebow
100. Melanie Iglesias - As far as I can tell, she's just a fashion model and a half-Asian that could give Olivia Munn a run for her money in the Far East bracket.
99. Candace Bailey - Host of G4?! I don't know. Looks better as a brunette than a blonde.
98. Camilla Belle - I really dug her in that movie where Sean Bean's character absolutely obliterates her psyche, but the girl is pretty damn annoying on Twitter. Unfollow. UPDATE: All that was actually about Sophia Bush, the movie in question is The Hitcher, and yeah, Camilla Belle is pretty smokin'. My bad. But Sophia is still hotter. Don't tell Camilla.
97. Hope Dworaczyk - As much hockey as I watch you'd think I'd know how to pronounce that name. She's one of Hef's Playboy clones. Next.
96. Sophie Monk - Who? She's allegedly a British pop singer. Not a huge fan of this one...far too British looking.
95. Serinda Swan - Canadian actress who looks a lot like Adrianne Curry. Yeah, I hadn't heard of Breakout Kings, either.

94. Alessandra Torresani - She looks way too diminutive and morose to crack the top hundy. And she's on a Syfy show. Yuck.
93. Kelli Hutcherson - Holy crap, do torsos get that long? Color me impressed; your DestiGals application is in the mail.
92. Nicki Whelan - I heard she was fantastic in Hall Pass, and that's she Australian. Aussie blondes are the best.
91. Erin Andrews - She probably isn't even the hottest girl in her field any more, but talking about guys like Dan Mullen and actually knowing who they are go a long way.
90. Lauren Storm - Great job, Lauren. You were on this list last year at No. 100, and I still don't know how you pay the bills. This hairstyle never gets old for me, though.
89. Lyndsy Fonseca - A downgrade from last year? This can't be. She might be more popular if her parents weren't such fans of Skynyrd. Still one of my current Dimepiece faves.
88. Daniela Ruah - Still withering away on garbage like NCISLA. Set her free, dammit.
87. Emmanuelle Vaugier - I googled her and a bunch of vanilla modeling pics showed up and...this. Not impressed.
86. Autumn Reeser - For the past year or so I would have called her a favorite of mine, but an abysmal showing on No Ordinary Family convinced me to cut losses. Turns out upper 20's virgin scientists are pretty one dimensional.
85. Rachelle Leah - I don't like women with first name last names. Hutcherson and her longboard abs blows this MMA girl out of the water ring.
84. Paz de la Huerta - I loved Boardwalk Empire, but absolutely nothing in the face-ular region does anything for me.
83. Carly Craig - Useful, sexy character in Role Models, but nix the dark locks and then we'll talk.
82. Kelly Kelly - Those blue eyes send me reelin', I'll say. Pro wrestler, from Jacksonville, blonde. This Dimepiece alum deserves better.
81. Gabrielle Union - Is she even still viable and relevant?
80. Danica McKellar - Just from her thumbnail pic on the site, I asked "Is that Winnie Cooper?" Ya damn skippy it is. Perhaps I'd be more intrigued if this were fifteen years prior.
79. Mini Anden - She looks like she would enjoy the finer aspects of cocaine.
78. J-Woww - That picture of her on the site is pretty nasty. Her nasty smokers voice kills it for me.
77. Anna Chapman - The internet is pretty divided on who this person is, and it's pretty fucking black and white. Model or....Russian spy? Cute, but probably couldn't cook for her life.
76. Diora Baird - She literally looks like a blow up doll in that picture. Boobs and not much else.
75. Nicki Minaj - She's a pretty girl who I like when doing her best Lil Kim impression, but she's not really my bag of swag.
74. Laura Vandervoort - Is she why people watch Smallville? Cause I could watch her study organic chemistry.
73. Jamie Chung - Reality stars GTFO. And for an Oriental she's really underwhelming.
72. Stacy Keibler - Please, take me back to days of the Duchess of Dudleyville.
71. Taylor Cole - I don't watch The Event, but I did catch a scene with Cole walking by the flat screen, and the girl is pretty breathtaking. Definitely a sleeper pick in 2011.
70. Arianny Celeste - Ring girls were so 2008.
69. Emma Watson - I could probably find a hundred other girls named Emma that are more interesting to gawk at. Then again, I don't watch Harry Potter and write fan fiction.
68. Anna Paquin - I see the appeal, but her odd Halloween fetish is a bit much for me. Scre4m, Trick r Treat, and True Blood? Step out of your comfort zone, missy.
67. Ciara - How is she dreadfully ranked much farther down the list than Rihanna-saurus?
66. Aly Michalka - She is the only one keeping Hellcats together as a fun, watchable show. Still, I'm not sure I'll tune in if they make a second season. I also don't think I'll ever tire of this video...love this girl.
65. Elisha Cuthbert - Her resurgence on the ABC sitcom Happy Endings justifies this selection. Kim Bauer's still got it.
64. Miley Cyrus - Bonus points for fake Miley skit on SNL killing it every time out, but not a favorite of mine.
63. Ana de la Reguera - Remember the hot Mexican chick from Cop Out? Oooh, no one saw that one, huh? It's pretty good, and AdlR is pretty....caliente. *kneeslap*
62. Whitney Port - If we are talking Hills alum...WTF, no Lauren Conrad?! This chick looks dumber than meatless meatballs. Spoiler alert, hippies, they aren't meatballs!
61. Eva Amurri - Loved her in The Education of Charlie Banks, but she's got one of those heads that's shaped like a guitar pick. Also that name makes her sound way-a-more eth-a-nic than-a she is.
60. Kelly Brook - Love to see DestiGals on this list, and she held her own in Piranha 3D. Although that's not saying much seeing as how her cohort, Riley Steele, had less lines than Silent Bob on a good day.
59. Grace Park - Never seen her work, but I'm willing to guess she smells like Bourbon chicken.
58. Christina Aguilera - Remember when Peter had that skit on Family Guy where he broke down how she actually offended all five of his senses? That's the feeling I think I would get if I watched The Voice. Next.
57. Audrina Patridge - I used to adore Audrina and her dead behind the eyes, will-probably-laugh-for-empty-affection personality. Then I watched four minutes of her reality show and remembered why the terrorists hate us.
56. Christina Hendricks - She looks like a hooker extra from the set of Deadwood. It's all clown makeup, blotchy skin and weird proportions.
55. Joanna Krupa - There are enough American supermodels to fill the roster. Even if I wanted imported, Miranda Kerr all day, baby.
54. Vanessa Hudgens - Yes, yes, yes, and YES. I stare at her damn Candies ads all day at work, and frankly the girl should be way higher.
53. Ashley Greene - Weak. I know this girl has the dough...can she make her botched nose job look more natural?
52. Minka Kelly - On a scale of Kellys, she is no Kelly Kelly. In fact, she's exactly half of Kelly Kelly. I'm also seeing an overcast of pictures with Derek Jeter in them. I hate her already.
51. Nicole Sherzinger - I'll give her the thumbs up, but she needs to start doing more songs about buttons and Becks and boobies. Dat my club jam, ya'll!
50. Selita Ebanks - You mean this skin and bones? Feed her something, stat! Old school Tyra would run circles around this chick whose name reads more like an anagram.
49. Alison Brie - It's sweet of Maxim to move her up 50 frickin' spots from last year, but her inconsistency on Community has proven she's the weak link. At least Britta goes hard in bitch mode when she needs to.
48. Julianne Hough - Hey, did you know her name is pronounced "huff"? I was saying hue this whole time. Whatever--Julianne is diminutive, cute, a great promoter, and probably a good dancer.
47. Odette Annable - With a first name like that I could see why she really didn't care about keeping her old name, Yustman, which was latching on. Loved her seductress role in Operation: Endgame and can't wait to see her in You, Again.
46. Beau Garrett - This person sounds like she plays on the PGA tour. She looks like a pretty run of the mill blonde, but was in TRON? I'm not saying she was the reason that movie blew, but I'll lump her in with there being two Dudes and a story that was seemingly fake scripted by Ben Stiller's Zoolander character.
45. Emmanuelle Chriqui - Why doesn't she act more? Absolutely love her exotic look.
44. Anna Faris - Can I bump her ahead of No. 1 and rank her 0. I think my computer, and possibly the universe would collapse onto itself. Anna, you singlehandedly queued up Yogi Bear for me.
43. Naya Rivera - Wait, is Glee about cheerleaders or glee club? Because it seems like there are a dozen cheerleaders on that show, none of which would opt to sing ballads for shits and giggles. Nonetheless, calling Naya handsome would be an understatement.
42. Emma Stone - She's pretty funny, but is also hindered by that smoky voice, and hello, totally out-dimed by Aly Michalka in Easy A.
41. Jaimie Alexander - Wow, her head looks huge! Like Timmy from South Park huge. I'll pass.
40. Hilary Duff - Come on, now they are just pandering to publicists. I can't even remember what show she starred in that made Duff famous, and I don't even care to look it up.
39. Rebecca Mader - Wasn't there a character in Cars named Mader? Seriously, though, this girl kind of looks like a tranny, which may explain why the second related search on Google is "Rebecca Mader feet."
38. Lindsay Lohan - What the H?! At this point she probably tastes like Bugles and asparagus, and that is in no way, shape, or form a compliment.
37. Zoe Saldana - Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Act a little, Zoe, maybe you can be a contender.
36. Brooklyn Decker - This recent rookie crop of SI Swimsuit models means Decker should probably audition for more roles in movies.
35. Kim Kardashian - There are probably way hotter, little known Armenian girls that would actually kill loved ones to receive this kind of exposure. Softball pick, guys.
34. Avril Lavigne - Grrrrr, recently divorced angst is a plus. Yes, Avril, I can awkwardly learn to do an ollie and be your Sk8r Boi.
33. Dania Ramirez - A totally underused Dime in the media. Can we scrap some of these awful cop shows, or at least switch it up? Dania will star along with another saucy mamacita as a tandem of private eyes on the mean streets of Vancouver. You see, they are out of their element. It'll be called Dos Chicas Privatas, Spanglish pending.
32. Emmy Rossum - I hear she's really awesome on a show I don't watch. Perhaps on Dos Chicas Privatas, they only hunt down other steaming hot dimepieces. And it'll be on FX, so you know it'll be tits.
31. Evan Rachel Wood - Girls aren't named Evan. I find her oddly off putting, which probably has to do with her being bonkers.
30. Amanda Bynes - Annnnnd, hold on. Looking...ok...browsing. Yes, of course. There's even All That fan fiction. Damn I love America.
29. Sofia Vergara - She can the Dos Chicas Privatas hard ass captain that doesn't take too kindly to Dos Chicas' unorthodox ways. Because, y'know, she's old.
28. Lea Michele - Personally I find her gross looking and assuming she harbors an aquarium of various VD's.
27. Michelle Trachtenberg - Say what you will, Harriett the Spy was a classic. Still, this seems like a retro selection.
26. Kate Middleton - Okay, some asshole at Maxim is definitely getting comped. She looks like the embodiment of the Whitest Kids U Know, except probably not that funny and an attention whore.
25. Britney Spears - While she is making a feverish comeback, Britney dropped the ball far too many times this past decade to warrant this. What a joke.
24. Sarah Shahi - Yeah, it's shows like hers (Fairly Legal) that keep Dos Chicas from happening. But, you know, no hard feelings. I can find room for her as a story arc character. Perhaps the obnoxious neighbor that Dania looks for to blow off steam.
23. Brittany Snow - Easily a top five selection for me. I love this girl--crisp blonde hair, blue eyes, a sense of humor, and rocking body. You may have seen her star in Prom Night, or caught her portraying Sarah Chalke's younger sister on Mad Love, but either way I expect huge things for her in the future. Bonus points for the gnarly forehead scar that I pray she received in a bar fight. Ahhh, nature's tattoos.
22. Rihanna - Annnd, there goes my enthusiasm for a legitimate hotties list. I'm tempted to make a real cheesy Chris Brown joke, but he's not the one who sculpts her hair to look like an Edible Arrangement.
21. Jessica Alba - She's like the gritty old veteran on the American League ball club that sticks around to mentor the young guns. Yeah, and having twins is like undergoing double Tommy John surgeries. Snore.
20. Taylor Swift - Of the twenty or so songs that play on loop at my work I think three of 'em are hers. She's a pop starlet stuck in a WNBA player's body. Who ordered this dastardly mash-up? Find out next week on.....Dos Chicas Privatas.
19. Anna Kournikova - Do you know she was nearly born at Chernobyl ground zero? While probably still pretty rocking, I find it sad that Anna isn't quite old enough for people to ask where's she gone but is years past the ridiculous prime age for women's tennis.
18. Eva Mendes - Ranked above Dania?! I'm sentencing you to five hard years of Chuck Lorre comedy hell. He'll call it Better Than Eva. It'll literally be about trucking out every person more capable of acting than her. She was okay in Live, but I just don't find her strikingly pretty.
17. Megan Fox - I was never a huge supporter of Fox, but she sure could romance in the face of robotic destruction with the best of them.
16. Leighton Meester - That has to be...one of the richest sounding white girl names I've ever heard. Definitely deserves a spot on this list somewhere, but she's not Dime material.
15. Olivia Wilde - Even at 15 I would have still liked to see her higher. Her acting prowess is of a wide variety and I could file her under "stunning." She was almost worthless in TRON, but Olivia has enough Dime pull with me to consider a viewing of House.
14. Scarlett Johansson - Was way funnier than expected on SNL last year, but kind of a butter face for this high standard. Scarlett was also, at best, the fourth sexiest person in Eight Legged Freaks. But that's what happens when you step into the dojo of David "Heavyweight Champ" Arquette.
13. Kaley Cuoco - If you never caught 8 Simple Rules, ABC Family runs ten episodes a week on syndication. This show was much more entertaining than the temporary eye candy I signed up for. Kaley seems like a real sweet girl, and even though The Big Bang Theory is toward the end of its run, I wish for big things for her in the coming years.
12. January Jones - I don't watch Mad Men (I take my television in a non-catatonic state, thank you) but Jones looked awesome when she hosted SNL a couple seasons back. But every time I see pictures of her, she's stunted by all this ridiculous makeup. A makeover or something may be in order, because January has untapped potential.
11. Jordana Brewster - I love, love, love Jordana. Who else can make Paul Walker look cool and get brutally murdered by Leatherface? That's it, it's final. Jordana, you are the other lead in Dos Chicas Privatas. And if you are busy filming Fast & Furious: V8 Vendetta, we can accommodate.
10. Jennifer Lawrence - Wait, other people besides myself find Jen Lawrence attractive? You remember that scene in Winter's Bone when she was repeatedly punched and kicked in the face? Yeah, I'm not jumping to conclusions, but I'm assuming that's why everyone else agrees with me on her baffling awesomeness and the coolest entry yet, an underdog top ten nod.
9. Cobie Smulders - This is almost as surprising as Lawrence being here. I hope it has more to do with Cobie going all out for her character on How I Met Your Mother, and not just the cute factor. Smulders is funny and I love her, but even I can admit that in certain episodes Alyson Hannigan looks a tad better.
8. Natalie Portman - I guess if you enjoy the body type of a small, childish, boy, then yeah. Sure. Whatever.
7. Anne Hathaway - She looked malnourished at the Oscars and I just don't think she's grown as an actress. Of course she's pretty, because that's how she scores the roles. But to say she's sexier than a Megan Fox is ludicrous.
6. Bar Refaeli - Kate Upton and Co. gon' take yo job, bitch. And that name is just several denominations of awful sounding. It's Hollywood, bro. Change that before I shoot from the hip and plop out...Barista Raphael.
5. Mila Kunis - Ranked above Port-Man? There is a god. Seriously, though, I would set up a poorly structured Ponzi scheme if it meant I could someday meet Kunis in a courtroom, testifying against me because I took all her money. I dream big, my dudes.
4. Cameron Diaz - I'm pretty damn straight and Alex Rodriguez is a sexier person than her at this juncture. I can only imagine one of the Maxim staffers got high, popped in There's Something About Mary, and laughed far too hard at "FRANK AND BEANS! FRANK AND BEANS!!" I'm taking time to review this list and crap like this tops it? Yikes.
3. Katy Perry - Last year's champ falls two spots to three. While the cookie cutter pop music doesn't do her any favors, I can give her credit for appearing on The Simpsons this season and being the object of sleazy affection of Moe.
2. Olivia Munn - Although she is some kind of hot, I think Maxim got the battle of the Olivias wrong. She is easily top 25, but Perfect Couples getting canned early doesn't help her very much. Couples got a raw deal from NBC, who ultimately replaced it with a show which was in turn canceled after two episodes (Couples lasted 7 or 8 I think). One complaint I heard several times was that these characters were unbelievable and didn't hold a realistic friendship. It's TV, not your shitty life in Racine, Wisconsin where TGI Fridays is the hoppin' joint. Olivia, I'm officially offering you a role on Dos Chicas, portraying the rival private eye in the city, Gloria Chung. Or Chang. Your call, babe.
1. Rosie Huntington Whiteley - I had to look you up, and you have three names?! And a hyphen? And your British? Now I'm pissed. Christmas is canceled! This is your top pick, Maxim? Of the millions, AND MILLIONS, of ladies out there, you go with the limey, coked out beanpole with a huge honker? Well, *that's* your hottest girl in the world, according to the experts. Christ in parachute pants, are you even awake? I really hope Megan Fox goes all Jen's Body on this girl and makes her disappear forever.

Thoughts? Reactions? Angry feminist nonsense rants? Leave 'em in the comments section. But please, always remember, get your pets spade or neutered, try to recycle, and know that with shallow people, at least you'll never drown.

4 comments:

Ben Pearson said...

True story: I met Odette Annable (then Yustman) in a bar 5 minutes from my place out here. She was really cool, and actually gave me the time of day (not literally).

I also saw Laura Vandervoort leaving the grocery store a few days ago. I'm all over this list!

The Real Alan Trehern said...

Wait. ALL THAT fan fiction?!

**boner-induced brain aneurysm **

Boosh Tillingsworth said...

I like the one where Lori Beth Denberg and Josh Server are boxing in The Trump Plaza, and Keenan Thompson is reffing as Lester Oaks and LBD is the library lady.

Oh, and the one where Amanda Bynes invites me over for smoked pork tenderloin and a San Diego Padres game, which eventually devolves into a sensual night of Cross Fire and freebase cocaine.

kath said...

This made me laugh sooooo hard. Thank you for not thinking Lea Michelle is hott.