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TPF Shorts 4.20.2013........The Playing Field Blog making a comeback? Soon enough...

Saturday, April 20, 2013

A Not So Comprehensive List of Which NBA Teams to Root For in the Playoffs

The playoffs started? Well, I'll be. The NBA regular season is garbage, but the playoffs can be pretty fun because, ya know, stuff matters finally. There's more defense, more tight play, and just a general increase of emphasis on everything.

But if you're like me and any and all teams you root for have been eliminated, you're gonna need the right inspiration to watch. Pick a team and roll with them. Who knows, maybe you'll even end up at NBAshop, buying a jersey tee. Below are the official Playing Field Blog (sponsored by Floor & Decor!) NBA playoff team rankings, in order of shit-tastic teams to the guys you should really be banging your thunder sticks to.
16. Los Angeles Lakers - Are you goddamn kidding me? These turds bumped the Rockets from the 7th seed? It goes without saying that Team Kobe is pretty hated, but add in the Dwight Howard factor and I don't know many people that care to see this team do anything. I have quite a few buddies who are Magic fans, and that tool shit all over that franchise. In fact, it's probably better for all of us that the Lakers made it--it'll be pretty sweet to see them roasted, toasted, and burnt to a crisp by the Spurs. Plus, Kobe isn't even playing, so it's not even that fun to root AGAINST them.

15. Milwaukee Bucks - Even though things tightened up a bit toward the end, the Bucks were the most 8th seed team ever for about a month. A definitive seven teams better than them and everyone else in the conference just pooing themselves in so many mangled knees and silent Kyrie Irving screams. At six games under .500, the Bucks are a mere speed bump in Miami's way and should be ousted first. Plus, Monta Ellis is supposedly an ass who is totally holding back the awesomeness of Brandon Jennings.

14. Boston Celtics - I think even Celtic fans have accepted their fate this year. In a season where I'd usually be convinced the refs and David Stern WILLED both the C's and Lake Show into the playoffs, they even know it doesn't really matter. This season is filled with such intrigue and stars that it doesn't need the old guard for ratings.

13. Memphis Grizzlies - They thrifted Rudy Gay up north, that city is a gang-infested, dated mess, and their coach's fingers are unsettling to say the least. I have no desire to see this team in any capacity, unless Beale Street reforms to the capital of Trap music instead of Blues.
Josh Smith pop art is the best
12. Atlanta Hawks - The Hawks, mired by a lack of a true star for years, have been the worst-best team for a better part of five seasons now. Seriously, every year they are 3rd to 6th in the East and inconspicuously do nothing before a team with a guy who can post over 20 a game mows them down and you never hear from them again. Josh Smith might be in witness protection.

11. Chicago Bulls - Pffft. Joakim Noah is good to go for the series, but what's to see without Derrick Rose? The emergence of Jimmy Butler? Plus, it's a bit difficult for any Jordan haters to root for this team, even after the fall of His Airness. Never forget.

10. Golden State Warriors - I didn't even know the Warriors were in the playoffs until I saw the schedule. I honestly thought Portland was in. How could Portland NOT be in with that front court and ROY for-sure at the point? Man, Portland's gonna be baller next year.

Damian Lillard will not be attending
9. Brooklyn Nets - Jay Z's kind of evolved into an uber-asshole over the past year and his attachment to this team makes it really hard to see them succeed. He pretty much took full credit for moving them out of the Meadowlands. With that sentiment I hereby wish Lebron and Friends to smite the Nets in four games. Brook Lopez, you're cool, though. You might've hit Michelle Wi.

8. San Antonio Spurs - I root for the Spurs, but I'm by no means a fan of theirs if that makes sense. I love the small city atmosphere, I love the unheralded dynasty, and I love that they've completely exposed how stupid the regular season is by resting their players in shifts. I think Tim Duncan played eight games this year. But yeah, you heard me. DYNASTY. This team has set the standard for greatness over the decade but it's about time to close the door. Unless you are Tracy McGrady's mother or live in San Antonio, there's no need to see this team win it.

7. Oklahoma City Thunder - This team will have oodles of chances to come and I love how they've pretty much become the foil to LBJ's ascension to the throne, but they are still a bit premature in their reign. Also, don't forget these guys were birthed from the SuperSonics, who had several years of dominance.

6. New York Knicks - Stat of the day: today was the first time since 2001 (!!) that the Knicks have led a series. Yikes. Carmelo is the scoring champion story, and will make for a decent villain throughout, but it's not like NYC is craving for a title. Hell, even Melo won a national championship in college. I shed no tears for his no-passin' ass.

5. Indiana Pacers - RIP Danny Granger. As a kid who thought Reggie Miller was the best antithesis to MJ, I found myself rooting for him, Mark Jackson, that tall white Euro guy and all the Pacers. Plus, Pacers fans are some of the best fans in sports. They deserve a title soon, but I just don't think they have a mature, go-to guy to escape the East.

4. Houston Rockets - They've come a long way since the Yao Ming era, haven't they? They've also had to endure the Royce White saga all year, so kudos to the guys who brought in James Harden to be their new face of the franchise. Add co-pilot Jeremy Lin and the whitest-kid-u-know Chandler Parsons and you have a lovable underdog story. And if they break out the old-school cartoon Rocket for the playoffs I might love them forever.
3. Los Angeles Clippers - Technically, they have one of the deepest benches in the playoffs, have veteran leadership and go-to scorers. Bust most experts are picking them to not even escape the first round against the Grizzle. Wha? Not only do I fully support a run by Lob City, but you're an idiot if you don't appreciate how fun this team is. Mechanically, DeAndre Jordan is a terrible center, but he will crush you. Blake Griffin is soft, yes, but he can finish with 20 and 10 every night. And Paul? Dude is the best PG in the world and deserves a run at the title. He was sentenced to half a career in New Orleans. If anything, do it for CP3.

2. Denver Nuggets - As far as legit contenders, this is a team I can get behind who I actually think stands a chance to win it. It's gonna be tough without the three point shooting and overall offense of Danilo Gallinari, but dammit if these guys aren't also fun to watch. Off the court, George Karl is one of the best coaches you can root for. He's a hard worker and a player-first guy who's a cancer survivor and volunteers with sick kids. Checkmate for any other coach still going. Also, look out for Kenneth Faried, who vacuums up rebounds with the best of 'em.
The Manimal = relevant
1. Miami Heat - A repeat might be in the cards, my friends. No one in the East should be able to touch this team and it should be only a matter of time before they see which force in the West will stand between them and their next title. I know a lot of people hate Lebron James, but if you're on the fence about the guy or just know him as the Cleveland Judas, read up a little more on that whole situation. The King did all he could in that situation, took less money, and is now justified in his decision. The new dynasty is here, and it'll be damn fun to see if anyone can topple them.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

2012 ESPN Fantasy Basketball Guide

So, since I've almost thrown my back out receiving confusing mail from you humanoids about how to play (and win) this fantasy basketball game, I figure I would lay out the world's greatest cheat sheet, hint guide, and syllabus the likes of John Wooden have ever seen. So, without further ado...
1. CATEGORIES, NOT POINTS. Every week (Mon-Sun), you'll be matched up in a head to head against one other team for that scoring period. And, instead of your fantasy players accumulating stats that translate into points, the individual stats in the box score are how you win. In this league, the stats that count are points, rebounds, assists, blocks, steals, 3pointers made, field goal percentage, free throw percentage, and assist to turnover ratio, accounting for NINE total categories. (you can see this on your teams lineup page, and for all the basic rules, mouse to the LEAGUE tab and click SETTINGS.)

Now, the key to winning is to have better stats in each of those categories than your opponent that week. Each of these category matchups represents a win or a loss in your overall record. So, after Week 1, if you win these categories--PTS, REB, AST, FT%, and AST:TO, but lose STL, BLK, 3PTM, and FG%--your win loss record would be 5-4 after that first week.
2. YOUR LINEUP AND YOU! Tonight, you are going to draft 14 players, with at least one of each representing all positions on the court. While several players have multiple position eligibility, make sure you get at least one SG and one SF, as these seem to always be the shallowest positions and the trickiest ones to manage. PG's are readily advertised, and most big men have interchangeable PF and C eligibility.

Now, once you have a full lineup, you can start setting that lineup. The major difference between this and football is that you can set your lineup every day. The NBA plays games every night, with the only light scheduling on days like Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. A way to keep your team nice and tidy is so set it for the entire week on Monday, so in case you forget, you should still have your full roster playing (setting it for the week takes about 2 minutes and is highly recommended).
Time to take a flier on a rookie PG?
3. ADD/DROPS. Each team gets three player adds per scoring week. This cap prevents someone from just adding new players every day to bolster their stats (this does happen, and it's really stupid). This should keep the league very balanced and fun. Times to use add/drops? Obviously, when your players are sucking or injured, they can get the hook. But, say you are down one or two blocks coming into Sunday...you can pick up a block specialist on Saturday and start him that last day. This scenario usually plays out once per matchup, so it's usually fruitful to save at least one add.

Also, if a player goes on the real-life Injured Reserve, you can put him on your team's IR and pick someone else up without dropping.

The Add/Drop uses the day-before policy, meaning when you add a player, he doesn't really join your team until the next day. The Free Agent lists usually have a convenient "next game" column to let you sift through who will be playing for those late in the week adds.
Kate Upton's high on my board!
That should be about it for now. Prep for the draft if you have a little bit of time....read up on ESPN's mock drafts, rankings, sleepers and busts, and perhaps do a mock draft yourself. If you have any more questions, let loose on the message boards. Good luck, and hopefully everyone will show up tonight!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Krispy Kreme, Or What the Kids Should Be Listening To

Following up his super smash hit, "The Baddest", boy wunderkind rapper Krispy Kreme has unleashed his new fire, "Haters Wanna Be Me," and it's pretty much all of the glorious things you want in a mid-day music video with pretty good camera work. So yeah, watch this video, lest you want your work day to suck and you like to see kittens getting eaten by great white sharks and anacondas.

Don't worry though, Krispy Kreme's kilt all those animals. Other highlights include:

-Lack of snot from last video. Because Jesus Flu-Gettin Christ that was bad.
-Still spelling his name just like the donut. Where's the originality, Kreme? My suggestion? Kris P. Kreem. It's spelled wrong, it's shallow funny, and kids will like it.
-How many other rappers you know are dressed like they are about to do farm work in Iowa AND have a thick bowl cut?
-That kreepy kid (see? hilarious!) is still wearing that Mac Miller tee. Either poor or insecure about his hood street cred. Probably a bit of both.
-I'm pretty sure several of those trophies weren't grand prize material, but more along the lines of participation and 3rd runner up. I should know, I worked in a trophy shop for, like, two hours.
-I don't know what he thinks a club banger is, but it surely does not involve him passive aggressively asking two sects of the audience to say his name while he makes confused faces.
-If you don't think "talk crap and I'll throw AIDS at your car" is the best line on 2012, well, we can't be friends and I'm going to throw AIDS at and in your car.

I really hope there's more and more of this coming from this kid. This gives me hope to write and discuss the world again.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

"You Were So Young..."

I never really knew what what this song was about. Well I did, but I couldn't grasp it. I know you loved this album as much as I did.

RIP Mikey

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Wrestlemania X8

What's up, Playing Fielders!  This is nWo emissary Alan Trehern here, and I want to take a little walk down memory lane.  More like a HARDCOOOORE walk down memory PAIN!!

I wanted to completely review a pretty famous Wrestlemania from 10 years ago: WRESTLEMANIA X8.  But as I watched through the matches, and the butt-loads of championship belts that were on the line (Intercontinental, European, Inner-Suburbs of Detroit, etc), I realized that I'll leave the match-by-match reviews to the IWC [1] and 900-pound YouTube personalities (SUMMER OF DERPA DUUURRRRHHH!!!)